I've recently observed a revival of sorts on the local channel in my area. It's not that the channel was ever dead in the 6 years that I've lived at my new home. But for most of that time, the people there just didn't interest me all that much. They were either talking DX or too busy trying to outdo each other's signal, by squeezing out every last watt that their little "Garage Shop" amplifiers could produce. When they weren't doing that they were busy playing with their roger beeps and echo mikes, and getting into frequent verbal altercations with different members of a very broad, geographically and socially diverse group. Once in a while I'd throw in a comment or two, just to provoke a reaction. Like one time when one of the more verbally flamboyant and self absorbed members was bragging about just how great his RCI-2995 was. I asked why someone would spend the kind of money they charge for a radio like that when, for the same amount, they could purchase an infinitely better designed second hand ham rig. Well that did it. You would think that I just pissed in his cornflakes. He then proceeded to launch a tirade of insulting, profanity laced, verbiage in my general direction, and telling me about how his rig was sooooo much better than "some old junk ham rig", and how much louder it was. I guess features like variable receiver bandwidth, continuous 1 - 30 Mhz tuning, a spectrally CLEAN 100 watt PEP output, and superior receiver performance were secondary considerations to "being loud". His reaction was quite defensive I would say, and this adds credibility to the theory that some CB'ers self esteem is directly tied to the perception, by their peers, of the superiority of their equipment. If you have something negative to say about any of it, its treated the same as if you were insulting their mothers. But I digress.....
Like I started out saying, recently the channel had started showing some signs of some increased intelligence and overall tolerability. There have been about four or five guys out there, some of whom are also hams, who have joined the fray. Lo and behold, actual conversations started to occur. Minutes could go by without a vulgar or profane comment being uttered. Radios started sounding fairly clean and roger beeps and echos were either toned down or absent altogether. Life was starting to look good again on the CB. I was actually starting to participate actively again. But then..........
Yea, you can't travel for too long on the blissful cloud 9 highway of optimism without running into a dark cloud or two. And lest we forget, in our momentary mind numbing euphoria which erupts at the possibility of a nostalgic CB revival, that there are still those primitive primal defensive feelings which can be stirred up at a moment's notice, and brought to the surface with the right provocation. A prime example of this started one afternoon when a few of us were having a casual discussion about amplifiers. We weren't trying to start a channel war, we were just "talking shop". But it didn't take long before we started poking fun at the "garage shop" amp makers, and their fantastic power claims, and the guys who believe them. For instance, a 2 stage 3 transistor (or "pill" in CB jargon) amp was advertised as delivering 400 watts of power, and as much as 800 watts peak at 20 Volts DC power. A check of the 2SC-2879 transistor spec sheet reveals that the device is comfortably rated for 100 watts of power, and could be pushed to about 150 watts at 13V. A pair of them should therefore supply about 200 watts of power (at least before non linearity sets in and the IMD products go through the roof) with a max rating of 300 watts. To be fair, The 800 watt peak rating was based on a 20V input voltage. But operation at 20V is exceeding the maximum device ratings on more than one front. So while these wattage ratings are theoretically possible, the devices will not last long at that stress level, and the output signal will be in compression. At that level, the IMD products will contribute to an overall spectrally dirty output which will fool the wattmeter into thinking the spurious output is actually additional desired on-channel power.
Well when we started bringing up the actual Toshiba (or is it Toshabi?) specs, the next thing we knew there were all sorts of people jumping out of the woodwork to challenge (or more accurately defend their "honor" against) our blasphemous remarks. You would have thought we had drawn a cartoon of a Dave Made amplifier in a turban with a ham radio attached. All sorts of anecdotal testimonials were given to "back up" the inflated claims, including dubious power readings observed on some less than reliable watt meters. Things got hot and heavy for a bit as the proponents of sound engineering design lined up to duke it out with those who blindly believed the inflated claims of those looking to make a fast buck. It was surreal to observe just how defensive some people got when their amps were scrutinized under the microscope. It's as if we were attacking their basic manhood. Sure, we all want to believe that the equipment we buy lives up to its claims and our expectations, but some take this to extreme. In the grand scheme of things, if your amp delivers an honest 300 watts instead of an inflated 400, how much difference does it actually make? I mean, the people in the distance will still hear you......
The end result of this unintentional exercise was that we learned that many people are very defensive of their equipment, and of the dubious claims made by the unscrupulous manufacturers of said equipment. These same people can be brought to a point just shy of spitting nails with the right provocation. So in analyzing this apparent sensitivity that these CB operators seem to have toward their equipment, I've come up with a lighthearted, satirical list of things that, if said, will surely provoke a negative reaction and likely start a prolonged heated "debate". So without further adieu, here they are. But be warned. Lobbing these little grenades on an unsuspecting channel could cause it to implode for a whole night or more. Make sure you have another place to talk when things get too hot.......
1. Compare the sound of their nice new "Captain Whizbang" radio with that of a Radio Shack product. The less expensive the Radio Shack radio, the better. Many hold the belief that Radio Shack sells totally inferior "junk". Yet the simple fact is that they are made in the same factories as Cobra and other originally Uniden designed products. But even so, the comparison will be treated as an insult.
2. Dispute the power output claims of "Garage Shop" amplifiers (Dave Made, Fat Boy et al). Mention the data in the Toshiba Spec sheet. Be sure to include the statement that the engineers who designed the transistors should know more about what their devices will do, than garage shop amp hacks, who often barely have a high school education let alone an electrical engineering degree.
3. Mention that any recent export/"10 meter" radio produced by Galaxy/RCI/Magnum etc. is junk. State that they drift, have a dirty transmitter spectral output, PA final instability, and have less than desirable receiver signal to noise performance. Add that they are overpriced for what you get, and that much better performing 2nd hand H.F. ham rigs can be had for close to the same price. In fact, the mere mention of ham radio at all is likely to bring about sharp negative feelings.
4. Talk about how a full length 102" whip will generally outperform any of the newfangled shortened "gimmick" antennas with the huge center air coils, and do so for a lot less cash. When someone invariably tells you that a 9' whip will hit overhead objects when mounted on a truck roof, accuse them of being wimps.
5. Question the sanity of someone who deliberately tries to create a directional antenna setup on their mobile, and who then wonders why they can only talk and hear well in one direction only, and why they feel this is preferable to an omni-directional pattern for everyday usage.
6. Tell one of the more outspoken power jockeys that they were just taken out (AKA "had their lips cut off") by an equally well known "mud duck". Keep up the charade as he pumps up the power even more (And he will. After all, his ego depends on his being at the top of the pile). If you're lucky, he'll push his amp over that fine line between stressed out performance, and total meltdown.
Have fun!